Showing yourself may be the most challenging part of ‘the work.’
Why?
Because we live in a world full of opinions and judgments. Couple that with the fact that our societal institutions prescribe conformity. Look no further than American politics. At some point, the marketing becomes so strong that we identify as a D or an R. With that comes a lot of baggage and subtle instructions on what to think and believe. We can get so caught up in this identity that we forget to question it. And if we dare to ever object or challenge the popular opinion, we are crucified. We’re given a powerful guilt trip around aligning to values.
This, of course, does not feel good. And when we fear that our voice doesn’t matter or won’t be heard, it becomes easier to take the path of least resistance. We bottle up our truth and silence ourselves to the point where we feel like we are going to boil over.
Ultimately this makes us feel worse. It can cause us to abruptly go to a place of extreme rebellion. We may say things that are cruel and hurtful. We may communicate in a way that gives the ‘other side’ an excuse to further dismiss us due to being ‘irrational’ or having ‘lost our minds.’
An example that is very personal to me is my ‘identity’ as a woman who is childless by choice. And while this choice should be none of anyone’s business, I’ve been the subject of criticism and judgment for just about half of my adult life. It can be downright hurtful at times to the point where I’ve even pretended that I couldn’t have children with the sole purpose of making the critic feel guilty for even asking about it.
When questioned during my prime childbearing years, I’d often say things like…
“Maybe someday” or “We’re waiting for X”
X could have been financial stability, finishing grad school, or other things invented not to make the asking person feel bad.
This all came down to the fact that it seemed my choice was so blasphemous to others that I had to protect them from their disdain about my choice, even at my own expense.
I even tried to convince myself that I wanted to have a child because that is how I was ‘supposed’ to feel. But it was always a full-body NO.
I know many women, good friends of mine, who can identify the moment when the strong desire to be a mom became fully present. I saw and felt it with them. We celebrated together, and I witnessed my desire shift – not towards motherhood but towards a desire to be a cool auntie. And I have so much gratitude that my wish has come true.
I love being Auntie Jen!
Today, I fully own this choice. It has become more accessible in my late 40s because if I tried to say I was waiting for X now, that would be a whole other set of judgments. In each scenario, I choose if I’ll offer an explanation or just a firm NO when asked about offspring. It often depends on the tone of the question – kindness and innocence vs. judgment and, dare I say it..jealousy?
The bottom line…
It feels shitty to be judged and criticized. But It can be downright unhealthy to suppress your truth. What’s important is to build a tolerance towards judgment because someone will always judge us. It doesn’t matter what we choose or what we believe.
Working with a coach can support you in shifting the energy around judgment. Our training teaches us to witness you and create a safe container for full self-expression. As a mindful coach, if I am fortunate enough for you to choose me, I will guide you in various exercises that will build your capacity and help you regulate when hurtful judgment is present.
I can’t promise that the judgment of others won’t feel bad because, quite honestly, it sucks. But I can promise that expressing and fully owning your truth can feel fucking AMAZING!
It becomes easier with practice, just like anything else. Additionally, practicing in the judgment-free container of a coaching engagement becomes more manageable. If this calls to you, let’s chat.
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