The Paradox: Safety vs. Freedom

This past Fall, on an Autumnal Equinox retreat with my teacher Jessi Magick, we examined the paradox. The Autumnal Equinox is a time when we begin to shift from the growing season into the dying season, and examinations such as these feel especially potent. What comes up most for people is the balance between safety and freedom because we are taught to believe that we can’t have both. At that time, I was examining a different paradox, that of structure vs. flow. This was based on my desire to be a productive human but also enjoy a state of flow where I can allow my sense of time to dissolve.

But that’s a topic for another day….

Safe and Free

Back in September, I felt both safe and free. I still had a job that sustained me enough to cover the basics. It meant I could run my business as I desired without worrying too much about the balance sheet.

October brought an ending to that. I wish the outcome had been different, but I know clinging is not productive.

Glorified Freedom

All too often, entrepreneurship is glorified as freedom. In many ways, it is. But the reality is that it takes a lot of grit, determination, and pure luck to make it. I’ve never desired to sugarcoat these realities. I love my work, and I love my life, but the paycheck is never guaranteed. Privilege plays a part in my risk tolerance. My corporate years were good to me. My husband and I have a respectful partnership of lifting each other when one is down. So, with much gratitude, I can say that I am safe.

I’ve delved a bit into shadow work, and I’ve realized that I tend to believe that I don’t deserve what I’ve built. That it is for other people and that my only option is to work a standard 40-hour-a-week job. This is a thing I am working on. I also realized that there is more to it than that. As my job came to an end, I felt like I was losing my sense of purpose and that I really missed my team. I really missed being a part of something.

As the months turned colder, I opened myself to possibilities…

A full time job?

Contract work?

Focus on my business?

Or something I hadn’t even thought of yet?

Job Searching SUCKS

I can tell you that right now, job searching SUCKS. Each day’s visit to LinkedIn brought me posts from job seekers at their wit’s end, talented people who had been on the hunt for work for over a year. It motivated me to write a previous blog post as a way to alleviate my compassion fatigue and serve this vulnerable population.

Rejection Hurts

Each rejection hurt, despite having a thick skin. In these moments, I told myself that a human likely didn’t even see my resume. That’s just the world that we are living in right now. But I also had some wins. I leveraged the relationships that I’d formed over the years

Safety

With each bullseye into the dartboard of my ego, I felt myself being pulled towards SAFETY. How nice it would be to go back to the option of benefits, a 401K, and a steady paycheck. I explained this feeling of safety to my dear friend and mentor, Cynde. Safety is like the really nice guy who asks you to the dance in Jr. High. He keeps promises. He is sweet. You like him, but maybe you don’t love him. You feel terrible about this. Freedom is like the bad boy. He makes you feel on edge. He’s risky. He scares you with his erratic behavior. But he also gives you that ‘feeling’ of being alive. The desire that comes with him is strong.

The Reality

Of course, this is reality. It’s not a teen movie and not a jr. high school dance. There are bills to pay. It’s funny when I shared this thought process with my husband and partner of 25 years, he asked which one am I?

FUCK.

What a Question!

What a question to be asked. But then I realized, 25+ years ago, he was my bad boy. The details of that are not important, nor are they for sharing here. What is important is that the love and passion I felt couldn’t be ignored. I’ve shared my life with this person now for longer than I’ve had a life without him. While he may have started as my bad boy, he’s one of the kindest souls on earth. He keeps me safe. He keeps me stable. He’s my rock-solid companion.

You can’t make a mistake

In coach training, we learned a principle – “you can’t make a mistake.” This is a tough one to swallow because choosing freedom over safety feels like a horrible mistake. But it’s one that I’m making intentionally based on what is true for me at this moment. To go running back to full safety would likely mean giving up everything that I’ve worked so hard to build. And I’m just not willing to do that.

Safety and Freedom

And I do believe that safety and freedom can coexist. While I’ve yet to truly find that in my work, I know it’s possible for me. I know it’s possible for you to. If you ever want to talk about this, I’m here for it.

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