No! I want you to say it. Practice it daily – loud & proud. There need not be anything that follows it. Just No! No excuses, no justification, no holding back.
Just No!
I know that this is not easy. In fact, it’s been one of the hardest lessons for me to learn on my burnout journey that led me from midlife crisis to midlife awakening. And because I am so passionate about this, I’m on a mission to empower others to say no as a complete sentence without guilt, shame, or baggage.
How I Learned This Lesson
Energy Leadership has been a big part of my journey. When I took the Energy Leadership Assessment, I learned that when things are going well in my life, I resonate highly at level 5. While this is an anabolic level, like any of the other levels, if we spend too much time here, it can lead to shiny object syndrome and a desire to say yes to everything. Because those who exude level 5 energy see opportunities everywhere and they have a tendency to want everyone to win. This can lead to overcommitting and excessive people-pleasing.
I also learned that I go deep into level 1 energy when I am stressed. For me, this manifests as lethargy and withdrawal. I feel pulled by the weight of my couch and a fuzzy blanket, where I can easily exist for days; my only movement being to feed (not on food that is actually nourishing) and use the toilet.
Of course, this leads to anxiety, depression, and disappointment. It also leads to breaking commitments which is not how I desire to live my life.
3 Dimensions of No
#1 Fun Things
#2 Work Things
#3 Family Things
1. Fun Things
I’ve done some cool shit in my life and am grateful for all of the incredible experiences that I have had. From Hedonism Wild retreats to the Inner MBA to my mindfulness training and so much more. There is much temptation. Admittedly, I am subscribed to way too many mailing lists. And I follow so many incredible and inspirational people on social media. That means that I see all the beautiful things that they are offering. From training to retreats and other gatherings, I want to say yes to all of it.
But at this stage of my life, I am keenly aware that time and money are limited resources. So it’s crucial that I limit myself to approximately one small shiny object per month (aka a workshop or gathering) and a bigger experience once a year, like a retreat. Not only does this keep me from being overwhelmed, it also allows me to fully absorb these experiences.
2. Work Things
Speaking of time and money, now that I don’t have a traditional full-time job, I am acutely aware of how limited these resources are. When I was at LinkedIn, every 2 weeks, I received a consistent paycheck, which was quite generous. No matter how much time I took off or how many shiny objects I followed, the paycheck was the same. And oh, were there SO MANY shiny objects. Ever seen the movie The Circle? While this is a bit of an exaggeration, it illustrates the pressure that existed to follow all of the shiny objects. There was more pressure to engage in all the extra things than there was to do the actual work at times. I often found myself overstimulated and overwhelmed because of my inability to say no or set any boundaries.
I was navigating the highs and lows from minute to minute, from hour to hour. While I see this clearly now, I genuinely have no regrets. I had a damn good time living that fast life. I traveled to unique places and met great people. Even learned some good shit. But just like a high from your drug of choice, what goes up must come down. And when I came down, I went deeply into a dark place. Now I can reflect and be grateful for this lesson. And if I ever have the chance to do it over again, I would be very selective about what to say yes to.
3. Family Things
This, by far, can be the most challenging boundary to set but also the most satisfying. As the saying goes, ‘You can choose your friends, but you can’t choose your family.’ However, you can choose how you interact with your family.
Sometimes this means declining the offers that do not serve. For example, there may be pressure to attend obligatory events that you’ve been attending since you were a child. If this serves you and brings you joy, then, by all means, attend! But if it is done out of guilt or shame, then remember that NO is a complete sentence.
There may be pressure to participate in a family gathering that past experience has shown to be not just unpleasant, but downright stressful. And while I admire that the host of the gathering may desire or be under the impression that everyone can just get along, sometimes that is just sadly not the case. Of course, this is a two-way street, especially for those who keep score. You can read more about my views on that here, essentially, invitations are not obligations.
To me, obligations are only those things that we’ve committed to, out of our own free will. And hear this loud and clear – only YOU, yes YOU are in charge of making commitments for yourself. NO one, I mean NO ONE has the right to take that from you. Not a family member, not a boss, not anyone. Of course, there may be consequences. These can range from guilt trips to passive aggressiveness to even being passed over for a promotion (even better if it’s one that you are ‘supposed’ to get but don’t actually want).
The truth is that we have no control over these things. But what we can control is our capacity to handle them. Building capacity takes work and commitment. And if you are ready to start, I am here for it. Get in touch today, and let’s explore the possibilities.