More Day & The Power of Choice
The final day of my most recent retreat with Hedonism Wild was ‘More’ day. My emotions were on overdrive, and I found it difficult to move during the final morning of movement. I surrendered to this and allowed the words to pour out of me into the journal I had specifically bought from a local artist when I first went on this retreat in 2022. As Jessi spoke, all I could do was write. I finished all the pages in that journal, and I suspect it is symbolic of the last time I will go on this particular retreat. Not because I don’t love it, but because it just feels like the right time to bring this chapter of Februaries in Costa Rica to a close.
I dedicate this post to the words I wrote exactly as I wrote them…
Can you take your body towards shapes and experiences that are scary? Can it be done in a way that is gradual? What does it mean to stretch the edges gently?
Power of Choice
I often speak and think deeply about the power of choice. There is so much power in the free will that we all have. Most of us don’t grow up with this concept of choice. There is structure, there are rules, and there is discipline. Discovering choice often happens several decades into our lives. It can feel rebellious in the most joyful way. It can feel scary because it forces us to take responsibility for what we choose and the consequences that come. Because it dissolves the blame game and can create an acceptance that asks us to breathe and ground.
What I really struggle with is if my choices are being made based on comfort and safety or out of true desire. That is truly the most challenging thing to discern. As I write this, I am in my final day of the Hedonism Wild retreat in the jungle of Caribbean Costa Rica. As Jessi teaches the sequence she is offering today, I have chosen to opt-out and let these words pour out onto paper. I watched her body demonstrate the somewhat complex sequence, I made my choice – “I don’t want to do this today.” The reality is that my middle-aged, awkward body does not move in that way. But could I have tried it? Maybe. Do I want to right now? No. Am I afraid of the discomfort it will cause? That is a very real possibility.
Burnout
In 2020, when I was working for LinkedIn, they did a significant layoff due to the economic conditions caused by COVID-19. I secretly wished that I had been part of it. My burnout was in its infancy, and it would be at least a year before I identified it. At that point, there is no way in hell that I would have made the decision for myself. That would have been way too scary. Having that decision made for me would have allowed me to be a victim and wallow. It would have allowed me to feel sorry for myself.
In 2022. After coming here, I resigned from a job I had started just weeks before. My body and my mental stability made that choice. I was angry, resentful, and left LinkedIn for that job. I walked away from the six-figure salary, the amazing benefits, and the perks. And I had no choice but to take responsibility for my choice.
Scary AF.
Subsequent Choices
Subsequent choices showed me that I could do the things I wanted to do. And quite honestly, I’ve done it in a way that still feels safe and gentle.
The messages I’ve gotten here have told me that it may be time to be bolder. It may be time to face my fear of failure, more importantly it may be time to face my fear of success. It may be time for a total paradigm shift. This means a shift in energy; moving from tolerance to absolute passion and open heartedness. It will require more adaptability and letting go of the rigid systems I’ve created to stay accountable.
Challenge of Partnerships and Relationships
Most challenging in all of this is to lean into partnerships and relationships which feels icky for the part of me who is a fiercely independent weird only child. It requires remembering that the most important person in my life, my husband, will hold me. And I will hold him through all the pleasure and all the pain. Together we will navigate discomfort and embrace joy. As this week comes to a close, for what may be my final journey here, I ask…
That I have the strength to recognize when I am too comfortable and making choices based on that. And that those in my life have the courage to challenge my stubborn ass with compassion and empathy.
Stay tuned…
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